Earl’s Blog: Part III

Dwight: FIRE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Phyllis: You say that every week.
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!
Oscar: Relax.
Dwight: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BURN VICTIM!?

Michael: So I never went to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tracy McGrady.

Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that…he’d probably end up a hero there anyway.

Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I’m a Sith lord!!

Michael: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented “Armageddon”, he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year’s Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael: [As Dwight crying] “Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!”

Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm…easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.

Dwight: [sitting on a giant rubber ball] You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb, and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Jim: Done.
Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [bumps picture on Jim's desk] Sorry.
Jim: It’s all right.
Dwight: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance at sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You’re not having sex.
Dwight: [smirks] Plus, improves your reflexes. [knocks over knick-knack on Jim's desk] See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight: It’s only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Um, okay. [pops orb with a pair of scissors, causing Dwight to crash to the ground]

Michael: Pam, you’re trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.

Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it’s Friday. Aaaand, that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.

Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Michael: Really?
Stanley: Oh yes. Let’s listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God. Stanley, that’s brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I’m sorry… (Stanley’s Black)
Stanley: Oh, it’s OK. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto in fact.
Michael: No kidding?
Stanley: [cut to talking head] It’s all about my bonus.

Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out, maybe more.
Jim: Oh, yelch. [pause] Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it’s Friday. So, keep that going.
Pam: Yay!

Michael: [on his approach to improv] Think about this, what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real-life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it. You just can’t.

Improv Classmate 1: I’m looking for my doctor. He’s an angry midget.
Michael: BOOM! Agent Michael Scarn, I see through your ruse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! ["shoots" people in improv scene]
Improv Classmate 2: I’m not even in this scene!
Michael: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [classmate falls anyway]
Improv Instructor: Michael, c’mon, what are you doing?
Michael: I’m making the scene better! The old scene was boring.
Improv Instructor: No it wasn’t Michael. Michael, give me your guns.
[Michael "unstraps" guns from four holsters]
[The improv instructor has told Michael that he can't use guns]

[improv exercise, a classmate is kneeling, Michael goes up to him and whispers something in his ear, and the classmate raises his hands.]
Improv Instructor: Michael, what did you tell him?
Michael: nothing…
Improv Instructor: Then why are his hands up?… Bill…
Improv Classmate 1: He told me he couldn’t show it to me, but he has a gun.

Michael: Stupid corporate wet blankets…it’s not like booze ever killed anyone.

Michael: We are going to sell that tree to charity. Because that’s what Christmas is all about.

Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack’s a fart face.

Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, ’cause you announced that his ship was sinking.
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.

Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.

Michael: Dwight, what’s your middle name?
Dwight: [Looking dazed] Danger.
Michael: Something with a ‘K’.
Jim: It’s Kurt. Wow, I’m so sad I know that.

Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Pam: No.
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.

Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: [lying to get Dwight to the hospital] Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, I’m so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We’re going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know, I’m just saying.

Michael:I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me, and since I don’t have a butler I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill, then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill (shows burnt foot wrapped in bubble wrap) and it clamped down on my foot. That’s it, I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.

(Dwight imitating a helicopter)
Dwight: Chu chu chu chu
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.