The Office Quotes 1

January 30, 2008 at 4:30 pm (Quotes, Television)


The Office has some great dialogue, and here is some of it’s best examples, just from the first 3 episodes.

Michael: WHAZZUP!?
Jim: Whazzup…I still love that, after seven years…

Michael: [concerning the downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.

Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono…uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it’s, um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really “incalculcable.”

Mr. Brown: At Diversity Today, we believe it’s very easy to be a hero. All you need are honesty, empathy, respect, and open-mindedness.
Dwight: Ah, excuse me? I’m sorry, but that’s not all it takes to be a hero.
Mr. Brown: Great, well, what is a hero to you?
Dwight: A hero kills people, people that wish him harm. A hero is part human and part supernatural. A hero is born out of a childhood trauma, or out of a disaster, that must be avenged.
Mr. Brown: Uh, you’re thinking of a superhero.
Dwight: We all have a hero in our heart.

Michael: [after role-playing exercise] You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive…no pun intended. But I just thought, ‘too soon’ for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball’s in their court.

Michael: Abraham Lincoln once said that “If you are a racist, I will attack you with the North,” and those are the principles I carry with me in the workplace.
Kevin: [to Angela who is role-playing as a Jamaican] Do you wanna go to the beach?
Angela: Sure.
Kevin: Do you wanna get high?
Angela: No.
Kevin: I think you do…mon.
Michael: [after the role-playing exercise] Man, I should’ve gotten some food.
Kevin: [still role-playing as an Italian] Maybe some spaghetti.
Michael: Okay, Kevin, you can take off that thing. That would really, really show him up, wouldn’t it? If I brought in some burritos or some colored greens or some pad thai. I love pad thai.
Stanley: It’s “collard greens.”
Michael: What?
Stanley: It’s “collard greens.”
Michael: No, that doesn’t really make any sense. Because you don’t call them “collared” people. That’s offensive.
Michael: You know what, here’s what we’re going to do. Let’s go around and everybody, everybody, name a race you are attracted to sexually. I will go last. (Dwight raises his hand) Go!
Dwight: I have two. White and Indian.
(Kelly, who is Indian, is sitting next to him and gives a shocked expression)
Michael: I regret my actions. I regret offending my co-workers. I pledge to bring my best spirit of honesty, empathy, respect, and openmindedness…openmindedness, is that a word? Um…into the workplace. In this way, I can truly be a hero. Signed (holds up the paper) Daffy Duck. (laughs) He’s gonna lose it when he reads that.
Dwight: Count Choculitus.
Jim: [whistles] Sounds serious.
Dwight: Why did you write that Jim? Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Jim: Do you?
Dwight [Reading suggestions for health-care coverage]: Who thought of this one? Anal fissures.
Kevin: That’s a real thing.
Dwight: Yeah, but no one here has it.
Kevin: [quietly] Someone has it.
Dwight: In the wild, there is no health care. In the wild, health care is, ‘Ow, I hurt my leg. I can’t run. A lion eats me. I’m dead.’ Well, I’m not dead. I’m the lion. You’re dead. 
Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
Dwight: So I can lower it. 
Jim: (talking head) Right now this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.


  1. The James said,

    😆 I love it!

    Dwight: Through concentration, I can raise and lower my cholesterol at will.
    Pam: Why would you want to raise your cholesterol?
    Dwight: So I can lower it.

  2. earl said,

    The show is hillarious, and like I said, these are from only the first 3 episodes.

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