The Office Quotes 5

March 7, 2008 at 5:45 pm (Quotes, Television)

 

Dwight:(Crying) Jim is g-gone!!! He’s gone, I miss him so MUCH!! OOH, I cry myself to sleep!!! JIIIM!! (Stops crying) False. I do not miss him.

Michael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant “lame”. And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We’re all homos. Homo sapiens.

Dwight: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael: That’s ridiculous.
Dwight: Probably. He didn’t tell the truth a lot.
(pause)
Michael: Let’s call him and get the website.
Dwight: Definitely.

Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.

Phyllis: I’m getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael: That’s great! Congratulations. That is great and frankly… kinda amazing. See… everybody has a chance.

Michael: Ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ’cause a Scranton party don’t stop!

Jan: I can’t stay on top of you all day…
Michael: [long pause while he looks at the camera, then starts laughing]

Michael : Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey… that stabs a tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger’s head. We don’t have the technology.

——————————————————————————–

Michael: Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you’ve had a crown put it?
Dwight: …They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Dwight: Yeah…
Michael: What’s his name?
Dwight: [long pause] Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist’s name is Crentist…huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that’s why he became a dentist?

Angela: [excited] It’s really happening!
Dwight: Yes.
Angela: We can make a difference here.
Dwight: I will make a difference here.
Angela: You alone? ‘Cause I thought together we could…
Dwight: Oh, please, don’t be naive. [pause] But you could be in charge of the women.

Karen: [Referring to Jim hopping in the corner, stuck, in a video game] Look how cute he is. And he’s trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.

Dwight: [Speaking to everyone as new manager] I will lead you into the black with ferocity!

Michael: I lost Ed Truck… and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears… and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer… and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone… and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I’m terribly, terribly… terribly alone.

Michael: I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.

Dwight: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.

Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Michael: Lifesize.
Dwight: Mmm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Dwight: Look. I gave him a 6 foot extension cord so he can’t chase us.
Michael: That’s perfect.

Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What’s the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there’s no game. We’re just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you… check the vending machine?
Karen (sarcastically): Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim (sarcastically): I have no idea. We went right for the copier… and then we checked the fax machine…
Andy (defiantly): Did you… check… your… butt?

Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.

(Making Up Grief Stories Based on Movies without Micheal knowing)
Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was…he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeasts and we all took it really hard. All of us, kind of in the audience, of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Pam: Let’s see… I had an aunt, that I was really close to; she was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how sad I was… when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube, so she could die.
Michael: (Amazed) Wow. If you wanna cry, that’s okay.
Kevin: I was trying to throw this party once, and everyone was over for the weekend. And then my Uncle Bernie died. So then me and my best friend had to pretend like he was alive.

Michael: Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.

Dwight: [to Ryan] You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.

Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.

Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don’t think you realize what you’re saying.

Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”

Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company’s future.
Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?

Jim: I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael would sell the building for some magic beans.

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