The Office Quotes-Part 8

February 24, 2009 at 9:20 pm (Quotes, Television)


I know I haven’t done this in a while (that’s what she said), but I figured it’d be a nice breather to have some great quotes from the wonderfully-quotable The Office. Note-all these quotes are taken from Season 5, I’ll continue the string later. 

Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can’t swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a “That’s what she said”] Really? Nothing?

Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It’s going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don’t get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It’s from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn’t a tapeworm.

Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore, too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?

Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.

Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard through Jim’s Bluetooth] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. …That’s not appropriate, no.

Michael: I learned a while back that if I don’t text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.

Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.

Andy: What’s that smell?
Dwight: You’re going to need to be more specific.

Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don’t we just put this to a vote, and then we’ll be done with it.
Angela: I’m not voting.
Jim: No one cares.

Michael: Don’t die, Stanley! DON’T DIE! Barack is president! You’re black!

David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Michael: Electricity.
Dwight: Shampoo.

Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!

Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.

Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.

Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That’s cool. Hey, you know what’s even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn’t see that one coming.

Hope you enjoyed it. (Also what she said.)

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3 Comments

  1. nolanator said,

    Michael: Don’t die, Stanley! DON’T DIE! Barack is president! You’re black!

    That one was funny.

  2. earlman27 said,

    A lot of these are funny. Most of them are 10 X funnier in their original context.

  3. nolanator said,

    Yeah.

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