The ArmRest Science

July 24, 2009 at 10:10 am (Weapons of Mass Enjoyment)

Okay I’ll pretty much come out and say it. This is one of my insane ramblings where I pretty much just took something mundane and over thought it to where I thought it was funny. We’ve all had this situation before, we’re in a theater, and we’re given a nice, cushioned arm rest to our left and to our right. However whether it’s opening night of the newest Harry Potter flick you just love so much or a group trip where everyone is forced to sit together, the question may often arise: Who is entitled to which Armrest? Well, I have developed a science of the armrest, and long-awaited answers to who owns which said armrest in a variety of situations.

A) Sitting by Yourself-Well good sir or mam, this is your perfect solution to being horribly lonely on your Monday night man-trip in an empty theater. You have the privilege of using the armrest on your right or on your left. You can lean to one side or the right, prop your feet up on the front seat’s cupholder, or hey, you can use that handicap rail as your own personal storage facility for the next 2 1/2 hours. So sit back, relax, the theater is yours to enjoy.

B) Sitting with Someone to Your Right or Left-This can be either a very simple or devilishly complicated procedure. Now, unless you two are swooning sweethearts, the same armrest cannot be shared by the two of you. Consider that the holy covenant of marriage as far as armrests go. Now, if it is just you and some other person, let’s say it’s your BFF or your bro (because real men don’t say BFF), you will need to work as a team (before or during the movie) to coordinate your armrest use. If one of you is experiencing an extreme case of B.O., the guy on the left may lean to the armrest on his left, and the other to his right. However, if both of you are in the same hygienic status, it is fairly simple to coordinate-either lean away, or both to the right or both to the left.

C) Sitting with a Group-Now, this procedure usually follows the procedure of sitting with two people, you can simply upgrade it to three or whatever the number may be. But let’s say you have some rebels within your group… If so, then that person inside the middle seat is entitled to whichever armrest they want, and then those to their left or right must adapt to the other’s decision. All that’s needed is a close attention paid to your surroundings, and to your surrounding movie goers. If you’re not careful, you might permanently damage some relationships. However, if you simply don’t have time to work out the differences and are afraid of that strange, awkward silence that comes when two arms try to inhabit the same space, you might just end up in an elbow fight wrestling match. For those that wanna have a simpler experience, everyone can simply set up a system to which everyone goes to one side, and then when that arm gets tired, everyone switches to the other side. Perfect experience for the synchronized swim team’s trip to go see the new Pirates of the Caribbean.

Of course, you could just not use armrests. But then again why would you do that?

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1 Comment

  1. The James said,

    lol

    That was pretty good

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