Something that I, DS, and even Meredith have been doing over the past few weeks has been quoting the new, must-see-if-you’ve-read-the-book Watchmen, from visionary director Zack Snyder. (Man I was so sick and tired of hearing that and having it blown into my ears every time I watched American Idol….. I mean wrestling.) The movie is infinitely quotable (we’ve deemed it the new TDK), and here are a few samples of it’s quoty-greatness.
Edward Blake/The Comedian-
- Once you realize what a joke everything is, being the Comedian is the only thing that makes sense.
- Yeah. Yeah, that’s right. Pregnant woman. Gunned her down. Bang. And y’know what? You watched me. You coulda changed the gun into steam or the bullets into mercury or the bottle into snowflakes! You coulda teleported either of us to goddamn Australia…but you didn’t lift a finger! You don’t really give a damn about human beings. I’ve watched you. You never cared about whatsername, Janey Slater, even before you ditched her. Soon you won’t be interested in Sally Jupiter’s little girl, either. You’re driftin’ outta touch, Doc. You’re turnin’ into a flake.
- God help us all.
- It don’t matter squat because inside thirty years the nukes are gonna be flyin’ like maybugs…and then Ozzy here is gonna be the smartest man on the cinder. Now, pardon me, but I got an appointment. See you in the funny papers.
- Do it? Dan, I’m not a Republic serial villain. Do you seriously think I’d explain my master-stroke if there remained the slightest chance of you affecting its outcome? I did it thirty-five minutes ago.
- [after Nite Owl asks what he would have done if his hired assassin had shot him first] I suppose I’d have had to catch the bullet, wouldn’t I?[smirks]
- [Tearfully]I did it…I DID IT!
- An intractable problem can only be resolved by stepping beyond conventional solutions.
Daniel Dreiburg/Nite Owl II-
- (Reacting to an insult from Rorschach) Who the hell do you think you are? You live off people while insulting them, nobody complains because they think you’re a goddamned lunatic… Do you know how hard it is being your friend?
Jon Osterman/Dr. Manhattan-
- She says I am like a god now. I tell her I don’t think there is a god. And if there is I’m nothing like him.
- I’ve walked across the sun. I’ve seen events so tiny and so fast they hardly can be said to have occurred at all, but you… you are a man. And this world’s smartest man means no more to me than does its smartest termite.
- We’re all puppets, Laurie. I’m just a puppet who can see the strings.
- A live body and a dead body contain the same number of particles. Structurally, there’s no discernible difference. Life and death are unquantifiable abstracts. Why should I be concerned?
- This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face.
- Soon there will be war. Millions will burn. Millions will perish in sickness and misery. Why does one death matter against so many?Because there is good and there is evil, and evil must be punished. Even in the face of Armageddon I shall not compromise in this. But there are so many deserving of retribution … and there is so little time.
- News vendor: “I see the world didn’t end yesterday.” Kovacs: “Are you sure?”
- (Asked to look at an inkblot test and tell what he sees, he pictures a dog with its forehead sliced open) A pretty butterfly.
- None of you understand. I’m not locked up in here with you. You’re locked up in here with me.
- (Recollecting killing a dog who was chewing on the bone of a kidnapped girl) Shock of impact ran along my arm. Jet of warmth spattered on chest, like hot faucet. It was Kovacs who said “Mother” then, muffled under latex. It was Kovacs who closed his eyes. It was Rorschach who opened them again.
- Stood in firelight, sweltering. Bloodstain on chest like map of violent new continent. Felt cleansed. Felt dark planet turn under my feet and knew what cats know that makes them scream like babies in night. Looked at sky through smoke heavy with human fat and God was not there. The cold, suffocating dark goes on forever and we are alone. Live our lives, lacking anything better to do. Devise reason later. Born from oblivion; bear children, hell-bound as ourselves, go into oblivion. There is nothing else. Existence is random. Has no pattern save what we imagine after staring at it for too long. No meaning save what we choose to impose. This rudderless world is not shaped by vague metaphysical forces. It is not God who kills the children. Not fate that butchers them or destiny that feeds them to the dogs. It’s us. Only us. Streets stank of fire. The void breathed hard on my heart, turning its illusions to ice, shattering them. Was reborn then, free to scrawl own design on this morally blank world. Was Rorschach. Does that answer your questions, Doctor?
- Heard a joke once: Man goes to doctor. Says he’s depressed. Says life seems harsh and cruel. Says he feels all alone in a threatening world where what lies ahead is vague and uncertain. Doctor says “Treatment is simple. Great clown Pagliacci is in town tonight. Go and see him. That should pick you up.” Man bursts into tears. Says “But, doctor…I am Pagliacci.” Good joke. Everybody laugh. Roll on snare drum. Curtains. Fade to black.
- (In Rorschach’s Journal) Dog carcass in alley this morning, tire tread on burst stomach. This city is afraid of me. I have seen its true face. The streets are extended gutters and the gutters are full of blood and when the drains finally scab over, all the vermin will drown. The accumulated filth of all their sex and murder will foam up about their waists and all the whores and politicians will look up and shout “Save us!”… and I’ll look down and whisper “No.” They had a choice, all of them. They could have followed in the footsteps of good men like my father or President Truman. Decent men who believed in a day’s work for a day’s pay. Instead they followed the droppings of lechers and communists and didn’t realize that the trail led over a precipice until it was too late. Don’t tell me they didn’t have a choice. Now the whole world stands on the brink, staring down into bloodly Hell, all those liberals and intellectuals and smooth-talkers… and all of a sudden nobody can’t think of anything to say.
(There are plenty of other great Rorschach quotes I cut out to save space that are worthy of a check.)
- Edgar Jacobi: Heh. Well, you know that kind of cancer that you get better from eventually?
- Rorschach: Yes.
- Edgar Jacobi: Well, that ain’t the kind of cancer I got.
I know I haven’t done this in a while (that’s what she said), but I figured it’d be a nice breather to have some great quotes from the wonderfully-quotable The Office. Note-all these quotes are taken from Season 5, I’ll continue the string later.
Dwight: Wait a minute. One more bite of eclair each. Hold it in your mouth if you can’t swallow.
Jim: [looks to Michael for a “That’s what she said”] Really? Nothing?
Kelly: I swallowed a tapeworm last night. It’s going to grow up to three feet inside of me and then it eats all my food so that I don’t get fat. And then after three months I take some medicine and then I pass it. Creed sold it to me. It’s from Mexico.
[cuts to Creed in an interview]
Creed: That wasn’t a tapeworm.
Stanley: I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They always complain. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore, too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?
Creed Bratton: Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name: Creed Bratton.
Kelly: Get out of my nook, Dwight.
Pam: [heard through Jim’s Bluetooth] THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID! THAT’S WHAT SHE SAID!
Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. …That’s not appropriate, no.
Michael: I learned a while back that if I don’t text 911, people will not return my calls. Uhhm, but now people always return my calls because they think that something horrible has happened.
Dwight: What is my perfect crime? I break into Tiffany’s at midnight. Do I go for the vault? No, I go for the chandelier, it’s priceless. As I’m taking it down, a woman catches me. She tells me to stop. It’s her father’s business; she’s Tiffany. I say no. We make love all night. In the morning the cops come, and I escape in one of their uniforms. I tell her to meet me in Mexico, but I go to Canada – I don’t trust her. Besides, I like the cold. Thirty years later, I get a postcard: I have a son, and he’s the chief of police. This is where the story gets interesting. I tell Tiffany to meet me in Paris, by the Trocadéro. She’s been waiting for me all these years, she’s never taken another lover. I don’t care. I don’t show up. I go to Berlin. That’s where I stashed the chandelier.
Andy: What’s that smell?
Dwight: You’re going to need to be more specific.
Jim: Okay, okay, okay. Why don’t we just put this to a vote, and then we’ll be done with it.
Angela: I’m not voting.
Jim: No one cares.
Michael: Don’t die, Stanley! DON’T DIE! Barack is president! You’re black!
David Wallace: How could you possibly think this was a good idea?
Dwight: Many ideas were not appreciated in their time.
Andy: [yelling] The fire is shooting at us!
Pam: I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. [pause] I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.
Dwight: Are you trying to hurt my feelings? Because if so, you are succeeding. Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man’s.
Jim: Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York. And we looked at fossils all day. And at the end of the day, he got me a little plastic triceratops. It was awesome.
Dwight: That’s cool. Hey, you know what’s even cooler than triceratops? Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Jim: Didn’t see that one coming.
Hope you enjoyed it. (Also what she said.)
For probably about 2 years now, I’ve been hooked on NBC’s Thursday night line up, Comedy Night Done RIght. However, I usually would only watch My Name is Earl and The Office. But, after months of Colt bragging about and recommending, I finally gave in to 30 Rock, the other show on the comedy lineup. I now love it more than My Name is Earl. This show is hilarious. The premise is that Liz Lemmon and Jack work for NBC, and are constantly having troubles with others, their shows, or the people around them. There’s Jack (Alec Baldwin) who’s always in for a good deal, Liz (Tina Fey) who just has her own ways with men, Tracy Jordan (Tracy Morgan) the local rich but crazy guy, and my favorite, Kenneth, the farmboy who just does good all the time. The show also provides several great guest stars-Steve Martin, Oprah Winfrey, Jerry Seinfeld, etc. It’s a different style from Earl-flat out offensive comedy, and THe Office-Dry humor, but 30 Rock’s a more situational comedy. I highly recommend the show to anyone looking for a good laugh. For instance, last night’s had a Public Service Announcement about the benefit of sex dolls, how they can save lives. Below are some of the great quotes from the show, along with some of Kenneth’s and the Second Season’s finest moments-
Kenneth-I will replace your pants Jack-They cost $2500 Kenneth-I will FIND your pants
As anyone who has seen TDK knows, the movie is chock full of quotes that any nerd that has seen it at least 3 times has memorized fully, along with accentuation. Here is a list of quotes from the maniacal villain. I’ve decided that it makes for a really long page, plus I don’t want anyone to forget about it, so I made it into a nifty little page. You can view the page by clicking the link in the sidebar or clicking here.
I know it’s been a while, however here are some more classic quotes taken from the wonderful dialogue of The Office.
Michael: The Jamaicans don’t have a word for “impossible.”
Jim: Yep, it’s English. It’s “impossible.”
Andy : Five of us transferred from Stamford. There’s two of us left. Me, and Karen. It’s like we’re touring Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory and dropping off one by one. Well, guess what. I‘m not falling in a chocolate river.
Michael: Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice… strike three.
Michael: I want you to think about it long and hard.
Dwight: That’s what she said.
Michael: (in a low voice) Don’t you dare.
Andy: Oompa loompa, doompadee dawesome, Dwight is now gone, which is totally awesome. Why was he gone, he was such a nice guy. No, he was not, he was a total douche. Doompadee doom.
Jim: I miss Dwight. Congratulations, universe. You win.
Michael: Yesterday I was scraping some gunk off my wall sockets with a metal fork and I gave myself the nastiest shock. When I came to, I had an epiphery. Life is precious and if I die, I want my son to know the dealio. The dealio of life.
Michael: So I am instituting “prima nocte.”
Jim: [talking head] “Prima nocte”, I believe from the movie Braveheart and confirmed on Wikipedia, is when the king got to deflower every new bride on her wedding night. So…
Michael: I’m sorry, I had a very different understanding as to what “prima nocte” meant.
Michael: Guys! Beef: it’s what’s for dinner! Who wants some man meat?
Dwight: I do! I want some man meat!
Jim: Michael, Dwight would like your man meat.
Michael: Well then, my man meat he shall have.
Ryan: Michael, is this the same grill you grilled your foot on?
Ryan: Oh Gross! That’s really disgusting.
Michael: Don’t worry, I scraped all the foot off!
Michael: Phyllis, did you break wind?
Dwight: I saw “Wedding Crashers” accidentally. I bought a ticket for “Grizzly Man” and went into the wrong theater. After an hour, I figured I was in the wrong theater, but I kept waiting. Cause that’s the thing about bear attacks…they come when you least expect it.
Michael: Phyllis and Bob — their celebrity couple name would be “Phlob.”
Michael: A boss is like a teacher. And I am like the cool teacher. Like Mr. Handell. Mr. Handell would hang out with us. And he would tell us awesome jokes. And he actually hooked up with one of the students. Um, and then like twelve other kids came forward. It was in all the papers. [pause] Really ruined eighth grade for us.
Michael: What’s the most inspiring thing I ever said to you?
Dwight: “Don’t be an idiot.” Changed my life.
Kelly: Don’t kill it, Creed. Bats are animals with feelings and families.
Creed: Animals don’t feel pain.
[bat flies out]
Kelly: OH MY GOD! KILL IT! KILL IT! KILL IT!
Dwight: I dont have much experience with vampires. I have hunted werewolves. I shot one once, but by the time I got to it, it had turned back into my neighbors dog.
One of my favorite shows, which conveniently comes on right after Monk, is Psych. One of the best features of the show is the snappy hilarious dialogue. Also below is a very funny ad for the new season.
Gus: What’s your dental plan?
Shawn: Don’t get cavities.
Gus: Health plan?
Shawn: Same, but with hepatitis and shingles.
Shawn: Come with me!
Gus: Uh, no. I’m never doing anything blindly with you again. I learned that at the Mexican border. Twice.
Shawn: This one takes the cake.
Gus: Oh yeah? Better than the acupuncture clinic?
Shawn: I didn’t realize experience was necessary.
Shawn: The arresting officer was my father. He was trying to teach me a lesson.
Lassiter: Did you learn it?
Shawn: I learned I hated my father, so sure.
Shawn: I’m so sorry my agonizing pain is inconveniencing you.
Gus: You don’t smell that?
Shawn: I don’t smell anything.
Gus: That’s because you don’t have the Super Smeller!
Shawn: Okay, you have got to stop calling your nose the Super Smeller. If you want to name a body part man, name your butt. Call it the tight-bouncer or the hexagon.
Lassiter: If I find you anywhere near this case, I will throw every book I find at you.
Shawn: What if you find the Bible? You gonna throw that too? Seems a little sacrilegious to me, don’t you think?
(watching Tilden’s cat lick itself)
Shawn: There is a witness. There’s a cat. I want to talk to that cat as soon as he’s done licking himself … wow, I’m jealous.
Receptionist: There is a Lt. Crunch here to see you.
[Shawn enters dressed in Civil War uniform]
Shawn: Actually I’ve been promoted. It’s Captain Crunch.
Shawn: Oh come on, let me on this.
Shawn: I was there, inexplicably drawn to the scene. I was meant to solve this case. It’s sorta like a miracle.
Lassiter: You have been out there every weekend when we rehearsed, and don’t think I didn’t see you trying to throw M&M’s in the injured soldiers’ mouths.
Shawn: Okay. First of all, those were Skittles and they have a rainbow of flavor.
Gus: Don’t touch that, it’s blood.
Shawn: It’s not blood.
Gus: Enjoy your hepatitis.
After much anticipation by myself, the first review for The Dark Knight has come in. One of the lead editors from Rolling Stone has submitted a review to Rotten Tomatoes, and has given it a 3 1/2 out of 4. Here are a few excerpts from the review-
“Just hang on for a shock to the system. The Dark Knight creates a place where good and evil — expected to do battle — decide instead to get it on and dance. “I don’t want to kill you,” Heath Ledger’s psycho Joker tells Christian Bale’s stalwart Batman. “You complete me.” Don’t buy the tease. He means it.”
“Bale is electrifying as a fallibly human crusader at war with his own conscience. “
“Ledger’s Joker has no gray areas — he’s all rampaging id. Watch him crash a party and circle Rachel, a woman torn between Bale’s Bruce (she knows he’s Batman) and Eckhart’s DA, another lover she has to share with his civic duty. “Hello, beautiful,” says the Joker, sniffing Rachel like a feral beast. He’s right when he compares himself to a dog chasing a car: The chase is all. The Joker’s sadism is limitless, and the masochistic delight he takes in being punched and bloodied to a pulp would shame the Marquis de Sade. “I choose chaos,” says the Joker, and those words sum up what’s at stake in The Dark Knight.”
“Eckhart earns major props for scarily and movingly portraying the DA’s transformation into the dreaded Harvey Two-Face, an event sparked by the brutal murder of a major character.”
“Go ahead, complain about the movie being too long, at two and a half hours, for short attention spans (it is), too somber for the Hulk crowd (it is), too smart for its own good (it isn’t). The haunting and visionary Dark Knight soars on the wings of untamed imagination. It’s full of surprises you don’t see coming. And just try to get it out of your dreams.”
Here are some more of the great quotes from The Office.
Michael: Tonight, one of our most ethnic co-workers, Kelly, has invited us all to a Diwali celebration put on by her community. “What is Diwali?” you may ask. Well, to have Kelly explain it, “It’s, blah blah blah blah. It’s so super, fun, and it’s gonna be great!” Lot of gods with unpronouncable names. Twenty minutes later, you find out that it is essentially a Hindu Halloween.
Dwight: Diwali is a celebration of the coronation of the God-king Rama, after his epic battle with Ravina, the demon-king of Lanka. It symbolizes the battle between good and evil.
Michael: All right, all right. This isn’t Lord of the Rings.
Dwight: [interrupting Michael talking about M. Night Shamaylan] I see dead people.
Michael: Okay! Spoiler alert!
Dwight: He was dead the whole time.
Michael: Just stop it!
Phyllis: Isn’t this fun? Not wearing shoes?
Angela: I wish some of us still had our shoes on.
Kevin: Stop it! It’s a disease! I told you!
Andy: [to Jim’s singing] TUNA! ARE YOU KIDDING ME!?
Jim: Hey, can I have a ride, man? I, uh, I have my bike.
Andy: No way, dude. I am not driving home. I brought an inflatable bed for just such occasions. You’re welcome to share it, though. It’s a roomy twin.
Jim: I’m okay.
Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”
Michael: [trying to delicately break the news to his staff] Um, listen up everybody, I have some news… We are screwed. Dunder Mifflin Scranton is being shut down.
Jim: I don’t have a ton of contact with the Scranton branch, but before I left, I took a box of Dwight’s stationery, so from time to time I send Dwight faxes. From himself. From the future. [reading fax] “Dwight, at 8am today, someone poisons the coffee. Do not drink the coffee. More instructions will follow. Cordially, Future Dwight.”
[Dwight receives the fax and reads it. He spots Stanley about to drink a cup of coffee]
Dwight: Noooooooooo! [smacks the cup out of Stanley’s hands] You’ll thank me later.
Jim: I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael would sell the building for some magic beans.
Dwight: The Japanese camp guards of World War Two always chose one man to kill whenever a batch of new prisoners arrived. I always wondered how they chose the man who was to die. I think I would have been good at choosing the person.
Andy: I’ll be the number-two guy here in Scranton in six weeks. How? Name repetition, personality mirroring, and never breaking off a handshake. I’m always thinking one step ahead. Like a… carpenter… that makes stairs.
Michael: [To Martin Nash, who is black] Follow me, I will show you where all the slaves work. Uh, not so…
Michael: Sometimes what brings the kids together is hating the lunch lady. Although that’ll change. Because, by the end of the fourth grade, the lunch lady was actually the person I hung out with the most.
Michael: Why did the convict have to be a black guy? It is such a stereotype. I just wish Josh had made a more progressive choice. Like a white guy. Who went to prison for…polluting a black guy’s lake.
Michael: You show me a white man you trust, and I will show you a black man that I trust even more. Pam, tell me a white person you trust.
Pam: My dad.
Michael: Danny Glover. [Jim raises hand] Yeah?
Jim: Jonas Salk.
Jim: Justin Timberlake?
Michael: Oh, please. Colin Powell!
Karen: Hey, I got one.
Michael: Apollo Creed.
Karen: You can’t give paper clips to a baby. He might swallow them.
Creed: Oh it’s okay, I’ve got tons of them.
Michael: Close your eyes. Picture a convict. What’s he wearing? Nothing special. Baseball cap on backwards. Baggy pants. He says something ordinary, like ‘Yo, that’s shizzle.’ Okay, now slowly open your eyes again. Who were you picturing? A black man? Wrong. That was a white woman. Surprised? Well, shame on you.
Michael: What was the worst part about prison? The dementors. They flew around and sucked out your soul. and it hurt.
Jim: [raises hand to ask another question] What did you do, Prison Mike?
Prison Mike: I stole. And I robbed. And I kidnapped, the President’s son. And held him for ransom.
Jim: That is quite the rapsheet Prison Mike.
Prison Mike: And I never got caught neither!
Jim: Well, you are in prison. But mmhmm.
Dwight: [bringing in a dead goose] I accidentally ran over it. It’s a Christmas miracle!
Jim: It’s a bold move to Photoshop yourself into a picture with your girlfriend and her kids on a ski trip with their real father. But then again, Michael’s a bold guy. [pause] Is bold the right word?
Michael: I’d like everybody’s attention. Christmas is cancelled.
Stanley: You can’t cancel a holiday.
Michael: Keep it up Stanley and you’ll lose New Year’s.
Stanley: What’s that mean?
Michael: Jim, take New Year’s away from Stanley.
Michael: [listening to a 30-second sample of a James Blunt’s “Goodbye My Lover” over and over] I don’t need to buy it…I just want to taste it…
Kevin: I hear Angela’s party will have double fudge brownies. But it will also have Angela….
Dwight:(Crying) Jim is g-gone!!! He’s gone, I miss him so MUCH!! OOH, I cry myself to sleep!!! JIIIM!! (Stops crying) False. I do not miss him.
Michael: Did you know that gay used to mean happy? When I was growing up it meant “lame”. And now it means a man who makes love to other men. We’re all homos. Homo sapiens.
Dwight: Jim told me you can buy gaydar online.
Michael: That’s ridiculous.
Dwight: Probably. He didn’t tell the truth a lot.
Michael: Let’s call him and get the website.
Michael: The company has made it my responsibility today to put an end to 100,000 years of being weirded out by gays.
Phyllis: I’m getting married to Bob Vance.
Michael: That’s great! Congratulations. That is great and frankly… kinda amazing. See… everybody has a chance.
Michael: Ain’t no party like a Scranton party, ’cause a Scranton party don’t stop!
Jan: I can’t stay on top of you all day…
Michael: [long pause while he looks at the camera, then starts laughing]
Michael : Business is like a jungle. And I am like a tiger. And Dwight is like a monkey… that stabs a tiger in the back with a stick. Does the tiger fire the monkey? Does the tiger transfer the monkey to another branch? Pun. There is no way of knowing what goes on inside the tiger’s head. We don’t have the technology.
Michael: Hey, I thought you weren’t supposed to eat anything for a couple hours after you’ve had a crown put it?
Dwight: …They have this new kind of quick-drying bonding.
Michael: Oh? sounds like a good dentist.
Michael: What’s his name?
Dwight: [long pause] Crentist.
Michael: Your dentist’s name is Crentist…huh. Sounds a lot like dentist.
Dwight: Maybe that’s why he became a dentist?
Angela: [excited] It’s really happening!
Angela: We can make a difference here.
Dwight: I will make a difference here.
Angela: You alone? ‘Cause I thought together we could…
Dwight: Oh, please, don’t be naive. [pause] But you could be in charge of the women.
Karen: [Referring to Jim hopping in the corner, stuck, in a video game] Look how cute he is. And he’s trying to shoot with a smoke grenade.
Dwight: [Speaking to everyone as new manager] I will lead you into the black with ferocity!
Michael: I lost Ed Truck… and it feels like somebody took my heart and dropped it into a bucket of boiling tears… and at the same time, somebody else is hitting my soul in the crotch with a frozen sledgehammer… and then a third guy walks in and starts punching me in the grief bone… and I’m crying, and nobody can hear me, because I’m terribly, terribly… terribly alone.
Michael: I don’t understand. We have a day honoring Martin Luther King, but he didn’t even work here.
Dwight: When I die. I want to be frozen. And if they have to freeze me in pieces, so be it. I will wake up stronger than ever, because I will have used that time, to figure out exactly why I died. And what moves I could have used to defend myself better now that I know what hold he had me in.
Dwight: And how big do you want this robot?
Dwight: Mmm, no. Better make it two-thirds. Easier to stop if it turns on us.
Dwight: Look. I gave him a 6 foot extension cord so he can’t chase us.
Michael: That’s perfect.
Andy: Hey. What are we doing? What’s the game? I want in.
Jim: Oh, there’s no game. We’re just trying to get these chips for Karen.
Andy: Did you… check the vending machine?
Karen (sarcastically): Oh, the vending machines! How did we miss that?
Jim (sarcastically): I have no idea. We went right for the copier… and then we checked the fax machine…
Andy (defiantly): Did you… check… your… butt?
Dwight: When my mother was pregnant with me, they did an ultrasound and found she was having twins. When they did another ultrasound a few weeks later, they discovered, that I had resorbed the other fetus. Do I regret this? No, I believe his tissue has made me stronger. I now have the strength of a grown man and a little baby.
(Making Up Grief Stories Based on Movies without Micheal knowing)
Ryan: A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was…he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeasts and we all took it really hard. All of us, kind of in the audience, of what happened.
Michael: Do you want to talk about it anymore?
Ryan: Oh, it would probably take me like an hour and a half to tell that whole story.
Pam: Let’s see… I had an aunt, that I was really close to; she was this amazing female boxer. Anyway, she was injured in a fight, and she was paralyzed. So, you can imagine how sad I was… when I found out that she asked her manager to remove her breathing tube, so she could die.
Michael: (Amazed) Wow. If you wanna cry, that’s okay.
Kevin: I was trying to throw this party once, and everyone was over for the weekend. And then my Uncle Bernie died. So then me and my best friend had to pretend like he was alive.
Michael: Society teaches us that, having feelings and crying is bad and wrong. Well, that’s baloney, because grief isn’t wrong. There’s such a thing as good grief. Just ask Charlie Brown.
Dwight: [to Ryan] You have walked the long lonely walk of loneliness.
Stanley: I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.
Dwight: Just as you have planted your seed into the ground, I will plant my seed into you.
Ryan: I don’t think you realize what you’re saying.
Dwight: When you become close with someone, you develop a kind of sixth sense. You can read their moods like a book. And right now, the title of Michael’s book is.. “Something Weird Is Going On…colon…What Did Jan Say? The Michael Scott Story…by Michael Scott. With Dwight Schrute.”
Jan: Our CFO believes that Josh is going to play an important role in our company’s future.
Michael: Oh really, what role is that? King of the stupid universe?
Jim: I always knew that the branch would shut down someday. I just figured it would be because Michael would sell the building for some magic beans.
Here are the continuing adventures of The Office…and their quotes.
Michael:[to the Hooters waitress] Hi, Dana. I’m Michael and this is Jim. And we’re brothers.
Jim: No, we’re not.
Michael: I am a victim of a hate crime. Stanley knows what I’m talking about.
Stanley: That’s not what what a hate crime is.
Michael: Well I hated it. A lot!
Michael: Last week I would’ve given a kidney to anyone in this office. I would’ve reached right into my stomach and pulled it out for them, but now, no. I don’t have the relationship with these people that I thought I did. I hope they ask so they can hear me say, “Uhh…no, I only give my organs to my real friends. Go get yourself a monkey kidney.”
Jim: What do you think of Kelly?
Ryan: I don’t know. It depends if you like a little junk in the… [Sees camera] She’s really cool.
Jan: I don’t know what you’re doing here, Michael, but it’s very disruptive.
Michael: Just having a little “Guys in the Workplace” thing. [to the men] Why can’t boys play with dolls? Why does society force us to use urinals, when sitting down is far more comfortable?
Jan: Can you please do this somewhere else, Michael?
Michael: Now you may look around and see two groups here: white-collar and blue-collar. But I don’t see it that way, and you know why not? Because I am collar blind.
Jan: Why don’t we go around the table and all say something that we know we’re good at? I will start. I am good at public speaking.
Meredith: Hi, I’m Meredith, and I’m an al– good at supplier relations.
Michael: Rich people like pizza, poor people like pizza. White people like pizza, black people like pizza. [pause] Do black people like pizza?
Michael: Pam, I’m public speaking, so please stop public interrupting me.
Jim: Dwight, if you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Dwight: I can travel anywhere, except Cuba, and I will travel to New Zealand and walk the Lord of the Rings trail to Mordor and I will hike Mount Doom.
Dwight: When I was in the 6th grade, I was a finalist in our school spelling bee. It was me against Raj Patel. And I mispelled, in front of the entire school, the word ‘failure’.
Pam: I am actually looking forward to Take Your Daughter to Work day. I am not great with kids, but I want to get better. Because I’m getting married. So I put out a bunch of extra candy on my desk so the kids will come talk to me. Like the witch in Hansel and Gretel.
Michael: The kids don’t wanna hear some weirdo book that your Nazi war criminal grandma read to you!
Sasha: What’s a Nazi?
Michael: ‘What’s a Nazi?’?
Dwight: Nazi was a fascist movement from the 1930’s–
Michael: No no no! Don’t talk about Nazis in front of– You know what? They’re gonna have nightmares so why don’t you just shut it?
Dwight: I was gonna teach the children how to make cornhusk dolls.
Michael: [sighs] Why don’t you just leave? Okay?
Jake: Bye Mr. Poop.
Michael: Alright. There goes Mr. Poop. Now, who likes Dane Cook?
Creed: [to the kids] Ya ever seen a foot with four toes?
Michael: Yes. It is true. I, Michael Scott, am signing up with an online dating service. Thousands of people have done it, and I am going to do it. I need a username, and… I have a great one. [types something] ‘Little Kid Lover’. That way people will know exactly where my priorities are at.
Michael: I’m like Superman and the people who work here are like the citizens of Gotham City.
Jim and Dwight: That’s Batman.
Michael: Okay, fine, I’ll be Aquaman. Where does he live?
Jim and Dwight: The ocean.
Michael: I work with a bunch of nerds!
Dwight: (After he didn’t tip the sub man) Why tip someone for a job I’m capable of doing myself? I can deliver food. I can drive a taxi. I can, and do, cut my own hair. I did however, tip my urologist, because I am unable to pulverize my own kidney stones.
Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
Jim: I’m just saying you can’t be sure that it wasn’t you.
Dwight: That’s ridiculous. Of course it wasn’t me.
Jim: [holds up picture] Marijuana is a memory loss drug. So maybe you just don’t remember.
Dwight: I would remember.
Jim: How could you, if it just erased your memory?
Dwight: That’s not how it works!
Jim: Now, how do you know how it works?
Dwight: Knock it off! OK, now I am interviewing you!
Jim: No, you said that I’d be conducting the interviewing when I walked in here. [raising voice] NOW EXACTLY HOW MUCH POT DID YOU SMOKE?
Dwight: You might remember testing my urine a few years back, when I was applying to be a volunteer sheriff’s deputy.
Linda: We test a lot of urine.
Dwight: Mine was green.
Linda: [disgusted] Oh, right. How are you?
Dwight: All better.
I apologize for the ending credits.
Dwight: FIRE! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Phyllis: You say that every week.
Dwight: DO YOU WANT TO DIE?!
Dwight: HAVE YOU EVER SEEN A BURN VICTIM!?
Michael: So I never went to business school. You know who else didn’t go to business school? LeBron James, Kobe Bryant, Tracy McGrady.
Dwight: I hope the war goes on forever and Ryan gets drafted. I’m sorry, only part of me meant that…he’d probably end up a hero there anyway.
Phyllis: [to Dwight in costume] Are you a monk?
Dwight: I’m a Sith lord!!
Michael: Look, Dwight here is a wuss. When we rented “Armageddon”, he cried at the end of it.
Dwight: Michael, I told you! It was because it was New Year’s Eve and it started to snow at exactly midnight!
Michael: [As Dwight crying] “Oh, are they really gonna leave Bruce Willis on the asteroid? Boo-hoo!”
Michael: Would I rather be feared or loved? Umm…easy, both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.
Dwight: [sitting on a giant rubber ball] You should get one of these.
Jim: No, thank you.
Dwight: Do you even know what this is? It is a fitness orb, and it has completely changed my life. Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Dwight: This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core. [bumps picture on Jim’s desk] Sorry.
Jim: It’s all right.
Dwight: Numerous health benefits: strengthens your back, better performance at sports, more enjoyable sex.
Jim: You’re not having sex.
Dwight: [smirks] Plus, improves your reflexes. [knocks over knick-knack on Jim’s desk] See, I would have caught that.
Jim: Okay, you know what, how much is that?
Dwight: It’s only 25 bucks.
Jim: Wow. Um, okay. [pops orb with a pair of scissors, causing Dwight to crash to the ground]
Michael: Pam, you’re trustworthy.
Pam: Thank you.
Michael: And a woman.
Pam: Oh no.
Jim: Today is Thursday, but Dwight thinks that it’s Friday. Aaaand, that’s what I’ll be working on this afternoon.
Stanley: Sometimes women say more in their pauses than they say in their words.
Stanley: Oh yes. Let’s listen to it again. And this time, really listen to the pauses.
Michael: God. Stanley, that’s brilliant. How do you know that? Did you learn that on the streets? I’m sorry… (Stanley’s Black)
Stanley: Oh, it’s OK. I did learn it on the streets. On the ghetto in fact.
Michael: No kidding?
Stanley: [cut to talking head] It’s all about my bonus.
Pam: Michael and Jan definitely made out, maybe more.
Jim: Oh, yelch. [pause] Oh! Also, it is Thursday, but Dwight thinks it’s Friday. So, keep that going.
Michael: [on his approach to improv] Think about this, what is the most exciting thing that can happen on TV or in movies, or in real-life? Somebody has a gun. That’s why I always start with a gun, because you can’t top it. You just can’t.
Improv Classmate 1: I’m looking for my doctor. He’s an angry midget.
Michael: BOOM! Agent Michael Scarn, I see through your ruse! BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [“shoots” people in improv scene]
Improv Classmate 2: I’m not even in this scene!
Michael: BOOM! BOOM! BOOM! [classmate falls anyway]
Improv Instructor: Michael, c’mon, what are you doing?
Michael: I’m making the scene better! The old scene was boring.
Improv Instructor: No it wasn’t Michael. Michael, give me your guns.
[Michael “unstraps” guns from four holsters]
[The improv instructor has told Michael that he can’t use guns]
[improv exercise, a classmate is kneeling, Michael goes up to him and whispers something in his ear, and the classmate raises his hands.]
Improv Instructor: Michael, what did you tell him?
Improv Instructor: Then why are his hands up?… Bill…
Improv Classmate 1: He told me he couldn’t show it to me, but he has a gun.
Michael: Stupid corporate wet blankets…it’s not like booze ever killed anyone.
Michael: We are going to sell that tree to charity. Because that’s what Christmas is all about.
Dwight: Seasick? Captain Jack says you should look at the moon.
Michael: Captain Jack’s a fart face.
Jim: What happened to you?
Michael: Captain Jack has a problem with authority.
Jim: Oh, right, ’cause you announced that his ship was sinking.
Michael: He just totally lost it. If you ask me he caused the panic.
Dwight: I was the youngest pilot in Pan Am history. When I was four, the pilot let me ride in the cockpit and fly the plane with him. And I was four, and I was great and I would have landed it, but my dad wanted us to go back to our seats.
Michael: Dwight, what’s your middle name?
Dwight: [Looking dazed] Danger.
Michael: Something with a ‘K’.
Jim: It’s Kurt. Wow, I’m so sad I know that.
Michael: Pam, will you rub butter on my foot?
Michael: Please? I have Country Crock.
Dwight: Where are we going?
Jim: [lying to get Dwight to the hospital] Chuck E. Cheese.
Michael: Chuck E. Cheese? Oh, I’m so sick of Chuck E. Cheese.
Jim: We’re going to the hospital, Michael.
Michael: I know, I’m just saying.
Michael:I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me, and since I don’t have a butler I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman Grill, then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again, then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s a perfect way to start the day. Today I got up, I stepped onto the grill (shows burnt foot wrapped in bubble wrap) and it clamped down on my foot. That’s it, I don’t see what’s so hard to believe about that.
(Dwight imitating a helicopter)
Dwight: Chu chu chu chu
Jim: What are you doing?
Dwight: Vietnam sounds.
All That was an old show that was basically Nickelodeon’s SNL. Here is some of it’s greatest dialogue from Vital Information, which was basically just random info.
If it looks bad, smells bad, and tastes bad, then it might be…this OOOOOOOLLLLD BURRITO!
It’s nice to stop and smell the flowers. It’s not nice to stop and smell…this OOOOOOOLLLLD BURRITO!
When you spell Algebra backwards, you get mommy mommy it’s hurting again.
To get your teacher’s attention, it’s a bad idea to scream ” Hey look over here you freakish animal”.
If you smell smoke in the hallway, you say “fire”. If you smell smoke in your pants you say “why am I smelling my pants?”
It’s not okay to eat breakfast cereal out of your underpants.
Never kick a man when he’s down, just look at him and scream ” Hey, get up you down on the ground weirdo”.
It’s rude to walk up to an old person and say, “Hey, has your face always looked like that, or have you just been underwater for the last twenty years?”
Eenie, Meenie, Miney, Moe, catch a tiger by its toe. If it hollers, let it go, because if you don’t he’s going to kill you!
Next time you’re sick, take a piece of ham and rub it around your skin. You won’t feel any better, but hey, you’ll smell like ham!
All is fair in love and war. All is smelly in a closet full of baboons.
Hey diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, the cow jumped over the moon, the little dog laughed to see such sport, and the dish exploded.
The early bird gets the worm. I don’t care, I didn’t really want the worm.
Cheaters never prosper. That is, unless they bought my new book, Cheating the Denberg Way. Available wherever fine books are sold.
Tell your brother that if he eats a lot of uncooked popcorn kernels he will explode.
It’s rude to cover a cow with glue and taunt it by saying “Sticky Cow, Sticky Cow, OOOOOOOOH! Sticky Cow!”
If you’re on a first date, it’s a bad idea to say “So, what’s the biggest loogie you’ve ever hocked up?”
Breaking up is hard to do. Breaking a dozen eggs with a sledgehammer is fun.
When it rains, it pours. When there’s a nail in your eye, you go “AHHHHHH!”
If your name is Steven and you have a turkey named Stefan, then come Thanksgiving, you’ll be Steven, stuffing Stefan!
A bird in the hand is worth two in the bush. A bird in your pants can be very uncomfortable.
You are what you eat. I am thirteen tacos and a stick of butter.
If you can count to seventeen on one hand, then good luck finding gloves, you seventeen-fingered freak!
If you hang a turkey from your Christmas tree and it’s the fourth of July, then congratulations, you’re a blonde!
Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb. Mary had a little lamb with a side of mashed potatoes.
If you’ve just eaten, wait twenty minutes before swimming. If you can’t swim, wait twenty minutes before drowning.
If you have a fear of spiders, then you have arachnophobia. If you have a fear of breathing, then you have about four minutes to live.
It’s no fun to go to the dentist, especially if your dentist pushed you down a flight of stairs.
There’s no such thing as a stupid question…unless the question is, “JJ, can I borrow 20 dollars?” NO!
If there was an animal called a yabba-dabba, and you kept one in your backyard, you might accidentally step in some yabba-dabba doo.
If your bra is too tight, it’s uncomfortable. If you’re a boy and your bra is too tight, I’m uncomfortable.
Jimmy crack corn, and I don’t care. Jimmy crack corn, and I don’t care. Jimmy got hit with a melon, and I still don’t care.
Here are some more classic quotes from The Office.
- Michael: (trying to motivate the employees for the basketball game) I know, grumble, grumble. But you would follow me to the ends of the earth, grumbling all the way. Like that dwarf from Lord of the Rings.
- Dwight: Gimli.
- Michael: Nerd. That is why you’re not on the team.
Michael: A lot of the people here don’t get trophies very often, like Meredith or Kevin, I mean who’s going to give Kevin an award, Dunkin’ Donuts? Plus, bonus, it’s really really funny. So I, you know, an employee will go home, and he’ll tell his neighbor, “Hey, did you get an award?” And the neighbor will say, “No man. I mean I slave all day and nobody notices me.” Next thing you know, employee smells so something terrible coming from the neighbor’s house. Neighbor’s hanged himself, due to lack of recognition.
Michael: TMI? — “Too Much Information.” Uh, it’s just easier to say TMI. I used to say “don’t go there,” but that’s lame.
Michael: This next award goes to someone who really lights up the office, somebody who I think a lot of us cannot keep from checking out, ‘The Hottest in the Office Award’, goes to…Ryan the Temp! YEAH! Hey HO! You sexy thing! Sexy thing you! Whoo! [slaps Ryan’s butt]
[Cut to Ryan]
Ryan: What am I going to do with the award? Nothing. I don’t know what I’m going to do. That’s the least of my concerns right now.
Michael: Attention everyone, hello! Yes, I just want you to know that this is not my decision but from here on out, we can no longer be friends. And when we talk about things here [the office], we must only discuss work associated things. And uh, you can consider this my retirement from comedy. And in the future if I want to say something funny, or witty, or do an impression I will no longer, ever, do any of those things.
Jim: Does that include “That’s what she said?”
Michael: Mmm hmm, yes.
Jim: Wow. That is really hard. [Michael almost says it] You really think you can go all day long? [Michael nearly bursts trying not to say it] Well, you always left me satisfied and smiling.
Michael: That’s what she said!
Michael: When I said that I was king of forwards, you got to understand that I don’t come up with this stuff. I just forward it along. You wouldn’t arrest a guy who was just passing drugs from one guy to another.
Pam: Usually on sexual harassment day everyone harasses me…as a joke.
Dwight: A 30-year mortgage at Michael’s age essentially means that he’s buying a coffin. If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so I couldn’t hear the other dead people.
Dwight: I have been Michael’s number two guy for about 5 years. And we make a great team. We’re like one of those classic famous teams. He’s like Mozart and I’m like…Mozart’s friend. No. I’m like Butch Cassidy and Michael is like…Mozart. You try and hurt Mozart, you’re gonna get a bullet in the head courtesy of Butch Cassidy.
Michael: I’m an early bird and a night owl. So I’m wise and I have worms.
The Office has some great dialogue, and here is some of it’s best examples, just from the first 3 episodes.
Michael: [concerning the downsizing] Am I going to tell them? No, I’m not going to tell them. I don’t see the point of that. As a doctor, you would not tell a patient if they had cancer.
Michael: People I respect, heroes of mine, would be: Bob Hope, um, Abraham Lincoln, definitely, Bono…uh, and probably God would be the fourth one. And, I just think all those people really, uh, helped the world in so many ways, that it’s, um, it’s really beyond words. It’s really “incalculcable.”
Michael: [after role-playing exercise] You’ll notice I didn’t have anybody being Arab. I thought that would be too explosive…no pun intended. But I just thought, ‘too soon’ for Arabs. Maybe next year. The ball’s in their court.
Thanks to James, I have limited priveleges and no longer fully own my site. Wait, what I meant to say was thanks to him, I have found some of the greatest movie scripts. Below are the links to some of my favorite movie’s scripts.